Linux Outlaws celebrated 300 episodes on Sunday 17th February 2013. Initially I was not intending to go even though my co-conspirator Matthew Copperwaite said “Well if I’m going you’ve got to go!” fortunately for everyone Travelodge just happened to send me an email offering rooms for £15.00 plus Trainline was offer return tickets to Liverpool for £16.00 that meant with the £5.00 entrance fee I could go to the event for the incredible price of £36.00.

I set out on a crisp, sunny Sunday morning from the village halt where I was to board my first train terminating at Rugeley Trent Valley. I had three trains in total to catch, each with a 10 minute separation. Knowing the UK rail system this was going to be a nail-biting experience. My first train arrived on time and my daughters waived me off from the platform, I suspect to make sure I actually left the county more than anything? We diesel chugged through the countryside and I discovered from the conductor that all I had to do was get off the train and my next connection arrived on the same platform. Now this is where things get interesting, so stood in a group was about seven or eight middle aged men drinking cans and bottles of larger? I thought “10:45am is a bit early in the day for that kind of thing isn’t it?” my next train appeared, the 10:43 to Stafford. Oh yes now we know why the larger louts was on the platform don’t we? As I alighted my carriage I was greeted by red vested, omg I must have a drink, football fans. Just fecking great. Now I know zilch about football but I was thinking “Hopefully they’ll get off at Crewe?” Oh you soppy thing Pete. The 11:09 London Liverpool Virgin train pulled in, Virgin trains are the perfect colour for what greeted me! Yep, I was on the football special Liverpool vs Swansea, whoopty fooking do one hour of larger clutching fans traipsing up and down the corridor to visit the toilet or try to find the buffet car.

Now Matt and I have some traditions when we go to events, Matt’s are generally passport/forgetting things related mine is mobile phone related. I always run out of credit mid transit! The day before I put £10 on my PAYG phone, I remembered not to upload lots of photo’s but I did check and make comments on my  G+ account fairly regularly, and I did also try to tether my phone via USB to my netbook but just outside Runcorn I’d used up my credit. This always sends me into a panic as I think “What the hell do I do if Matt contacts me?” Willing the train to “Get a fooking hurry on” we eventually pulled into Lime Street where I popped into WH Smiths and stuck some more credit on and texted Matt to say I had arrived and would wait for him. One hour later the other half of The Dick Turpin Road Show arrived and we set off for The LEAF.

Now we had arranged for one or two people to join us but the two faced gits sloped off to some private Chinese meal based event that Matt and I was not invited to, I mean, is that any way to treat friends? Bout 15:15 with tear stained cheeks Matt and I dragged our dejected bodies off to our respective hotels with Matt telling me to get back to his room by 15:45. I dunno what he was thinking? I was in the Strand which was at least a 10-15 minute walk, I had to book in, get cleaned up, change and then yomp it over to the Travelodge Central like some fooking Marine come paratrooper! I arrived at his room and barely managed to tap his door through my wheezing frail carcass. Matt called out “Who’s there?” A fooking corpse that’s who! Upon entering there was one of the swine’s that stood us up Oliver Clark  “Hello Pete” he said, hoping I did not bare a grudge or believe in blood feuds “You can fook right off.” I responded.

After being offered apologies, excuses and the sacrifice of Oliver’s first man-child we all settled down to record EP46 of The Dick Turpin Road Show #lol300 (which will be released soon) the main theme running through this recording is Pete’s bitterness at being stood up, Mr Les Pounder by the way. Once we had finished we set off for the event, just past wetherspoons a local lad walked up to us and said “Hey lads wanna buy some champagne?” While Matt pretended to have and engrossing text to read on his phone and Oliver was gripped with a fit of giggles I was left to deal with the damn scally! I told him no thanks but this did not deter him “It’s good stuff mate, normally £50 but I can let you have it for £20” I replied again that we was not interested and we quickly made our escape.

[This will remain unfinished sadly]

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